The Weekly Update — 001

  1. Sex cult leader, Keith Raniere was sentenced to 120 years in prison.
    Harvey Weinstein has already optioned his life story, with Bill Cosby said to star.
  2. At least two fires are burning in Southern California and more than 90,000 homes have been evacuated.
    I know what you’re all thinking… It’s a buyer’s market.
  3. A New York City man fell through a sidewalk sinkhole into a pit of rats.
    Because in New York, it’s not enough to simply have empty sinkholes.
  4. A Teen girl was killed in a shooting in Houston over social media beef.
    In keeping with tradition, PETA and Vegans now call for a ban on social media beef.
  5. Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti cuts ties with aide who was accused of sexual harassment…
    In a press conference later, Garcetti was seen, still wearing the top half of his tie.
  6. Mel B ‘files court documents asking ex Eddie Murphy to pay more child support.
    Apparently she can’t survive on $200 000 a month.
  7. Americans may add five times more plastic to the ocean than initially thought.
    Because anything the rest of the world does, we can do better!
  8. Kim Kardashian dresses up as Carole Baskin for Halloween.
    Kanye dresses up as another alleged killer OJ.
  9. McDonald’s Is Bringing Back the McRib This December.
    Because if Corona doesn’t kill you, cholesterol will.
  10. A Scottish soccer match was ruined when an AI-controlled camera mistook a referee’s bald head for a ball.
    Apparently he was trying to keep his head in the game.

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