- China used a secret microwave pulse weapon to cook Indian soldiers alive.
Apparently they were trying out a new curry recipe.
- Pope Francis’ Instagram account supposedly “liked” a bikini model’s photo.
The Catholic church issued an apology saying it was a mistake, he was trying to like her little brother’s photo.
- The Makers of grow-your-own human steaks say the meal kit is not ‘technically’ cannibalism, because you’re eating “yourself.”
Does that mean every family member has to grow their own steak? What if I wanna have a buffet? What happens when I go to the Kylie Jenner’s house and I don’t wanna eat Genetically Modified Food?
- Dodgers Stadium is said to host a drive-through holiday festival at the stadium.
For $150 fans can drive in a convoy of cars, for hours, buying hot dogs and cool drinks.
- Canada Is Allowing People With Depression to Do Psychedelic Mushrooms.
Who knew speaking to fairies and running naked in the snow could cure depression.
- Twitter debuts FLEETS, where tweets disappear after 24 hours.
An exciting new development for Republicans, terrorists and Kevin hart.
- Guitar Center is filing for bankruptcy.
This is after an unsuccessful marketing strategy to sell air guitars during the pandemic led to a massive stockpile. A spokesperson for the company said all the air guitars will be destroyed in order to create oxygen.
- Covid-19 mink variants have been discovered in humans in seven European countries.
After culling millions of Minks, Denmark has now launched a similar campaign to cull all humans.
- Guns N’ Roses announced their first stadium tour since the pandemic.
Apparently they expect to draw more crowds, now that stadiums and public venues have been shut down.
- Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey may for a run for Texas governor.
When asked what he felt his chances would be, he responded “Alright, alright, alright.”
- A Hasidic wedding in Brooklyn crammed 7000 maskless people into a synagogue in defiance of coronavirus restrictions.
What do you get when you cram 7000 maskless people into a synagogue for a wedding? The downpayment on your house.
- Canadian officials warn drivers not to let moose lick their cars.
Because in Canada if winter doesn’t kill you, the moose will.